A Songs in my Heart and I'm Ready for Love

Have you ever noticed that there are times in our lives that we sing? Sometimes to ourselves but often out loud?

I remember an episode of "How I Met Your Mother" when Marshall is confronted because he sings what he is doing. Such as "I'm walking out to the street and going to go to eat".  I find when I make up songs not only am I singing on the outside, but on the inside too. So many professional singers work out their break-ups by writing and singing songs about lost loves. But not me.

I only sing when my heart sings.  After I gave birth to my son I heard the theme song from "Rocky" playing in my head. I thought, if I can do this, I can do anything! And so today, I have a song in my heart. The words are not clear, but they soon will be. Life is exciting and amazing things happen when I least expect them.

Family

When people used to ask how many people I had in my family, I used to say eight. Now I tell them two.

Family. It means so many things to so many people. Friends you get to choose, husbands you get to choose, but family--they are a group of people who are thrown together into one jumble and hopefully, all the ingredients will make something good. But so often family means paper and glass and stick and stones.

I rarely talk to my sister and brothers. And this was when we got along. Now I don't talk to my sister and brothers. And life is pretty much the same, except when their arrows pierce my heart.

That I was blessed and could bless (Yates)

I was at a funeral the other day. Sad. But I realized how lucky I was. When my father died, I had a lot of unfinished business. But I was fortunate that my Mother lived long enough that we became friends.

Last night I went to a film festival at Colorado College with my son. The event was for alumni (me) and winter start students and parents.  As I sat there watching the films, I realized that next fall, I would be at an event much like this and I would be the parent of the incoming freshman. Not at CC, but at another fine college.

Young adults think they know everything. And it's a good thing. If they knew what their future may hold it would be overwhelming. A live-in-your-room, put the pillow over your head and scream overwhelming.  This is the time in their lives to try new things. To spread their wings.  To fail and get up and try again. To learn about love watching "How I Met Your Mother".  To fall in love; to be hurt in love. To hurt someone else in love.  This is the time in his life to try, fail, succeed, love, live--to decided why he really believes, This is the time to become an adult.

And this is the time for me to be proud of him, to stand back and watch him make a lot of the same mistakes that I did. And for him to learn from them. Just as I did. He will probably learn something different, but I know that he will learn from them. And I love him, no matter what happens in the future. And I am so lucky--and blessed.

Celabrate!

I am excited about this New Year! 2011 is going to be an amazing year!

I am trying, just for today, to not say anything negative. I used to vent, but it soon became habit. I found myself being negative, gossipy and petty. I was hurt. Maybe that is why I started complaining, but no longer.

Every night before I go to bed, I tell myself that I will stay positive for just one day-- the next day. I remind myself in the morning.

I like being around people who bring out the best. I want to do the same. But in order to bring out the best in others, I need to bring out the best in me. And that means no  negative or petty thoughts. I will give other's the benefit of the doubt, just as I hope they will do for me.

I can change myself for just one day.

New Life; no life

"Sexual abuse plants the seeds of inferiority." Oprah hit the nail on the head when she and Tyler Perry discussed the result of sexual abuse on her show today (November 12, 2010). 

The guilt doesn't stop when the children grow-up, especially if they cannot talk about it. They are often accused of making it up.

I know because I am 52 years old and I am still live with the result of being molested. My brother (not the molester) treats me as if I am worthless.  And he goes to New Life Church.  I guess he would call himself a Christian. His behavior has affected how I think of Christians, how I feel about Christians.  My friends remind me that not all Christians are like my brother. It's something I have to keep reminding myself.  

Tyler Perry slit his wrist when he was 11 years old because of  the pain of being sexually abused.  Men (and women) who have been abused often feel like they cannot go on because they feel like there is no safety in the world.  "I almost feel like I was murdered," said a member of the audience.   (I felt as if I was ) "only good for being abused; it made me hate me" said Ray, another audience member. It kills the person that it happened to; it kills the soul of the child that was sexually abused.

Although the show was about men who had been sexually abuse,  Oprah spoke as a survivor of sexual abuse. She said that when someone has been sexual abused, they feel that they are "less than" and they feel that they are "worth-less".  People who have been abused feel different; they feel guilty that it happened to them; they feel guilty that they didn't stop it.

I thought that since my brother lived in a nicer house than I did, lived in a better part of town and made more money than I did, that he was worth more than I was. That his life, his views and his feelings were more important than mine.

I was wrong.

Oprah said that when you have been sexually abused, it "changes the way you think about yourself. You think you are worthless, so you act in a worthless behavior." 81% of the 200 men that were in her audience had considered suicide; 33% of them had attempted it.

No more. The only way to go on is to talk about what happened, to mourn the loss of  safety, of innocence and of a childhood. The only way past it, is to realize that it happened to me, but it is not my fault; it is not my secret.

No Good Deed Goes Unpunished

My mother always said "No good deed goes unpunished".  And she was right.

I go out of my way to help. Some people, instead of being grateful, believe they can treat me like a doormat.  I helped my family.  I took care of our mother for over 18 years while my siblings went on with their lives. Maybe they thought that I had nothing else to do or maybe they thought what they were doing was so much more important. After all, there are no awards for taking care of your Mom and the pay was lousy.

I guess they didn't realize that because I took care of our mother, they were able to go on with their lives. They didn't have to deal with it. At Christmas, they would all gather at our mother's house for a couple of hours, eat a lavish dinner, open presents and leave. Sometimes it felt like they were there so they could cross it off their lists--they had done their duty.

But Mom didn't care. She loved having her family around. As for me, I wanted to cancel Christmas. It was so much work;  shopping, cleaning, putting up and decorating the tree. I guess I still feel that way.

I would end up tired, exhausted, stressed out and not in the Christmas spirit.  I don't think they realized how much work it all was.  After all, they were busy with their own lives and their own families.

I wish they could ask themselves what would their life be like if I hadn't be around to take care of Mom? If they had to step in to help?  Would they have to take time off work to take Mom to her doctor appointments? Would they come over on their day off to clean and do the grocery shopping? Would they have to pay someone to take care of Mom?

No good deed goes unpunished? Maybe so, but I did this for Mom, not my siblings. I  loved spending time with my Mom. I also would have been grateful for any help that my sister and brothers could give.

Now that she's dead, their lives have gone on much the same as before.  Except for one thing. They have discovered what they think is Mom's value. The jokes on them. Mom's true value is not the size of her estate, but the size of her heart.

Tyler, Oprah and Me

Tyler Perry is a strong, brave and courageous man who is my beacon in the night sky. He is showing me, by example, what actions I need to take in order to become the person I want to be. The person I was meant to be.

I was flipping channels on late night TV when I came across Tyler Perry being interviewed by Oprah.  Tyler Perry was crying. And Oprah was crying.  Soon I was crying along with them.

Tyler Perry told Oprah he was molested while he was growing up.  It happened a number of times over a number of years by a number of people.  Tyler wondered how child molesters kept finding him? What was it about him?


My brother sexually molested me while I was growing up. I admired him. He was the golden boy. I was fat, shy, and always scared. 


Tyler said he felt guilty and responsible. Boys don't get molested. Or if they do, they don't talk about it. Tyler said that sometimes it felt good. It was confusing. He used to wonder if was his fault. Not any more.

I idolized my brother. Every week before the game, I would scrape the dried mud from his cleats, spread black polish on his shoe and buff it to a shine. I wanted him to like me. When he touch me, I felt so scared. I was in a hole and I felt like I was sinking deeper and deeper. There was no ladder--no way to get out.  All I could do was to stand still and hope that the hole would not collapse with me in it. 


Tyler Perry is talking about what happened to him. He is no longer the victim. It is no longer his secret. He knows that he didn't do anything wrong.

Tyler said he has forgiven his father, but he does not trust him. I cried as I watched him on TV. I still am crying. He is standing up for himself and doesn't need to protect his abusers; he tells his truth. Did his abusers protect him? Did my abusers protect me?