That's the problem with secrets, they often don't stay secrets.
Something happened to me when I was a child. I thought it was my fault because I didn't stop him. He was someone I loved, admired and cared about. I wanted his attention.
But not this way.
Here's the problem with secrets. They don't stay secrets forever.
I was an adult when I first told my Mother. We cried together. But then, as the realization set in, my mother felt guilty. She asked herself "Why didn't I see what was happening? How could I have missed the signs?" As time went by, she tried to come to terms with my secret which was now her secret. She struggled to understand how her child could do that. She often wrote about him in her journal. She was as confused by her feelings as I was. She loved him and she hated him; she blamed herself; she couldn't understand how anyone could do that, let alone her child. What could she have done to stop him from doing that horrible thing.
The secret continued. Out of respect for my Mother, I didn't talk about my secret. I did not want to add to her pain and guilt.
Life went on. It would be so much easier if someone was all good or all bad. But we aren't. The person who did this has some good qualities.
After my mother died, I met with a hospice councilor. She wondered why I was so afraid of my siblings? Why didn't I stand up to them?
I told her my secret. After talking to her and thinking about what she said, I realized that as long as I kept my secret, I would continue to feel like I did something wrong.
I have told my secret to some people. My mother's close friends cried with me. My friends were angry that he did this to me.
My siblings continue to treat me as if I were a door mat. But I now know that I am an intelligent, capable, woman. I am caring. I don't need to brag to the outside world about what I do. I try to do what is right, honest and fair.
I have a new secret. I do good things for people and I don't let anyone know. And this is a secret I will keep.
No comments:
Post a Comment